In the Sandwich
the Ups and Downs of Life

Amazing how one day can be so positive and the world can feel so full of hope

then…

The next is full of frustration and fear and vulnerability

Why can’t I seem to maintain that sense of being loved and cared for?  

Why do I always have to revert back to being unsure of myself, unsure if I am really loved by my husband…

beingblog:

parkstepp:

Today is the 5th anniversary of the passing of my oldest son, Nathan. He would want me to be strong…to laugh, to free myself from the stuff that has hurt us all. And I am….But I cry also..because I miss him…
But my little one is married and soon to be a father…and me a grandfather… Life has a way of moving us toward that Place, where we can Be. The lessons learned from the passing of my son are overwhelming sometimes…but lessons they are. And we let go…and move on.
parkstepp

A virtual big hug to you from all of us here.
~reblogged by Trent Gilliss, senior editor

beingblog:

parkstepp:

Today is the 5th anniversary of the passing of my oldest son, Nathan. He would want me to be strong…to laugh, to free myself from the stuff that has hurt us all. And I am….But I cry also..because I miss him…

But my little one is married and soon to be a father…and me a grandfather… Life has a way of moving us toward that Place, where we can Be. The lessons learned from the passing of my son are overwhelming sometimes…but lessons they are. And we let go…and move on.

parkstepp

A virtual big hug to you from all of us here.

~reblogged by Trent Gilliss, senior editor

aros:

rabbit hole

I want this tub and this room!

aros:

rabbit hole

I want this tub and this room!

Start of Therapy

First appointment today with a therapist

Profound realizations arose

I think this is going to be a good experience…

…but it is so, so scary to admit my vulnerabilities

free-parking:

Anna Schuleit installed thousands of flowers in the Massachusetts Mental Health Center to commemorate its life, history, and people over the 91 years of its operation.

obsessing that my husband is having an affair

I am having obsessive thoughts about my husband and a female co-worker

I think they are heading towards an affair and I believe she is already in an emotional affair with him even if he refuses to see it. 

I can’t sleep at night because that is when the thoughts get the worst.

We have talked and talked about it and my husband assures me he loves me and this is only a friendship but he can’t seem to stop himself from talking with her every day even when I asked him to take a break from talking with her for a few days. 

Am I going crazy or is something going on?

Sometimes I just want to scream

peace-love-and-kiki:

and i have no solid reason why. 

I just feel trapped

inside me

someone,

come find me

This expresses what I am feeling right now so perfectly.

eatcake-mag:

PEPPY MILLER: STYLE ICON
What’s black, white and silent throughout? The Artist – ironically the year’s most talked about film. Through its sharp aesthetic and effortless portrayal of a dazzling leading lady, The Artist proves that faithful styling can deliver a narrative that is not only enjoyable but utterly enveloping.
French actress Bérénice Bejo stars as Peppy Miller, an aspiring starlet tap-dancing her way into the limelight. Inspired by Joan Crawford, Peppy is an ethereal 1920’s goddess with a glossy finger-waved bob and long, fluttering eyelashes.
Her wardrobe evolves considerably as the story unfolds. Peppy enters the film wearing chic silk blouses and long pleated skirts that billow with each kick of the leg. Every garment requires energy for visual effect, but as Peppy Miller ascends into stardom her look becomes more emphasised.
Tilted cloche hats and pencil-arched eyebrows conjure up a temptress. Furs and drop-waist dresses shape a veritable screen siren. “I used the texture of sequins to try to tell the story, as there’s certainly a glitter about Hollywood,” said costume designer Mark Bridges.
Peppy’s image is camp and overstated but justifiably so - only bold styling could make up for a lack of dialogue. Somehow she makes the film even more manageable, and you find your imagination tap-dancing in there with her. 
LANA RICHARDSON

Love this movie!

eatcake-mag:

PEPPY MILLER: STYLE ICON

What’s black, white and silent throughout? The Artist – ironically the year’s most talked about film. Through its sharp aesthetic and effortless portrayal of a dazzling leading lady, The Artist proves that faithful styling can deliver a narrative that is not only enjoyable but utterly enveloping.

French actress Bérénice Bejo stars as Peppy Miller, an aspiring starlet tap-dancing her way into the limelight. Inspired by Joan Crawford, Peppy is an ethereal 1920’s goddess with a glossy finger-waved bob and long, fluttering eyelashes.

Her wardrobe evolves considerably as the story unfolds. Peppy enters the film wearing chic silk blouses and long pleated skirts that billow with each kick of the leg. Every garment requires energy for visual effect, but as Peppy Miller ascends into stardom her look becomes more emphasised.

Tilted cloche hats and pencil-arched eyebrows conjure up a temptress. Furs and drop-waist dresses shape a veritable screen siren. “I used the texture of sequins to try to tell the story, as there’s certainly a glitter about Hollywood,” said costume designer Mark Bridges.

Peppy’s image is camp and overstated but justifiably so - only bold styling could make up for a lack of dialogue. Somehow she makes the film even more manageable, and you find your imagination tap-dancing in there with her. 

LANA RICHARDSON

Love this movie!

“Everything exposed to the light itself becomes light,” says Ephesians 5:13. In prayer, we merely keep returning the divine gaze and we become its reflection, almost in spite of ourselves (2 Corinthians 3:18). The word “prayer” has often been trivialized by making it into a way of getting what we want. But I use “prayer” as the umbrella word for any interior journeys or practices that allow you to experience faith, hope, and love within yourself. It is not a technique for getting things, a pious exercise that somehow makes God happy, or a requirement for entry into heaven. It is much more like practicing heaven now.

Such prayer, such seeing, takes away your anxiety for figuring it all out fully for yourself, or needing to be right about your formulations. At this point, God becomes more a verb than a noun, more a process than a conclusion, more an experience than a dogma, more a personal relationship than an idea. There is Someone dancing with you, and you are not afraid of making mistakes.

Richard Rohr, “Everything Belongs” (via wordslessspoken)
Crappy, Crappy Day!!!!!

I always seem to screw up the best things in my life.  I met a man 30 years ago who fell in love with me and I have never appreciated what I found in him as much as I should have all these years.  Somehow we have managed to stay together for 30 years, but I continually try to f*** things up with him.  I am too controlling, always needing to be in charge of what we have done, where we have lived, when we had kids even.  

Then, 21 years ago, I suggested that we have my Mom move in with us to help with babysitting and expenses.  Who knew how much that would affect our lives and put a nail in the coffin of a happy marriage.  My poor husband had to live with two women with too high of expectations and control issues for the last 21 years.  It is a miracle we have stayed married for almost 24 years, but I am not sure we are going to make it to 25.  If we had not had our three kids I am not sure we still would be married.  And especially if we had not had Ian with his health problems and behavior problems.  I think my husband stayed with me out of pity because Ian was such a handful.  If it had just been the two girls, I think he would have been out of there.  

In the last few years I thought we were finally getting back on track and especially in the last few months, I thought we finally were being honest and loving each other.  But I have messed it up again with my lack of trust.  I cannot get past my husband’s very close friendship with a female co-worker.  And I really f***ed up last night when I looked at a text on his phone from her that said “Good Night Love”.  He claims she always sends him a good night text and they are just friends, but how many friends send texts every night to a friend that say that sort of thing?  I am angry at him at the same time I am mad at myself for not having enough trust in his love for me. Or am I so naive that I am believing a lie when he tells me there is nothing between them and I am reading things into their relationship that just are not there?  I just don’t know anymore.

Just be honest with me —- that is all I ask!  It doesn’t feel like it is all out in the open.  

Part of me wants to confront her and ask her what she would think, how she would feel if she saw a text like that from a woman to a man she loved.  What does it sound like?  Put yourself in my shoes?  But maybe she really doesn’t care because she really is in love with him.  

 Is it really all out there in the open?  Are there no feelings of attraction, is there really nothing going on between the two of them?  Why can’t I trust him and just feel happy for him that he has a good friend?

At this point I am feeling like I should just tell him to go to her.  Leave me —- because maybe he will finally be happy.  He has been suffering from depression for pretty much the whole time I have known him and maybe that is more about me and how unhealthy I am for him than it is about anything actually wrong with him.  Maybe if I let him go he can actually be happy.  I think it might be worth it to do that just to see him happy finally.  I definitely don’t know how to make him happy.  And I think maybe she could.  

I spent so many years controlling him and not paying any attention to him but focused instead on the kids, my Mom, my career.  Now I think maybe it is too late.

She notices things, she asks him about himself all the time, she cares about how he is doing.  I think I really am screwed because I think the healthiest thing for him is probably her.