I always seem to screw up the best things in my life. I met a man 30 years ago who fell in love with me and I have never appreciated what I found in him as much as I should have all these years. Somehow we have managed to stay together for 30 years, but I continually try to f*** things up with him. I am too controlling, always needing to be in charge of what we have done, where we have lived, when we had kids even.
Then, 21 years ago, I suggested that we have my Mom move in with us to help with babysitting and expenses. Who knew how much that would affect our lives and put a nail in the coffin of a happy marriage. My poor husband had to live with two women with too high of expectations and control issues for the last 21 years. It is a miracle we have stayed married for almost 24 years, but I am not sure we are going to make it to 25. If we had not had our three kids I am not sure we still would be married. And especially if we had not had Ian with his health problems and behavior problems. I think my husband stayed with me out of pity because Ian was such a handful. If it had just been the two girls, I think he would have been out of there.
In the last few years I thought we were finally getting back on track and especially in the last few months, I thought we finally were being honest and loving each other. But I have messed it up again with my lack of trust. I cannot get past my husband’s very close friendship with a female co-worker. And I really f***ed up last night when I looked at a text on his phone from her that said “Good Night Love”. He claims she always sends him a good night text and they are just friends, but how many friends send texts every night to a friend that say that sort of thing? I am angry at him at the same time I am mad at myself for not having enough trust in his love for me. Or am I so naive that I am believing a lie when he tells me there is nothing between them and I am reading things into their relationship that just are not there? I just don’t know anymore.
Just be honest with me —- that is all I ask! It doesn’t feel like it is all out in the open.
Part of me wants to confront her and ask her what she would think, how she would feel if she saw a text like that from a woman to a man she loved. What does it sound like? Put yourself in my shoes? But maybe she really doesn’t care because she really is in love with him.
Is it really all out there in the open? Are there no feelings of attraction, is there really nothing going on between the two of them? Why can’t I trust him and just feel happy for him that he has a good friend?
At this point I am feeling like I should just tell him to go to her. Leave me —- because maybe he will finally be happy. He has been suffering from depression for pretty much the whole time I have known him and maybe that is more about me and how unhealthy I am for him than it is about anything actually wrong with him. Maybe if I let him go he can actually be happy. I think it might be worth it to do that just to see him happy finally. I definitely don’t know how to make him happy. And I think maybe she could.
I spent so many years controlling him and not paying any attention to him but focused instead on the kids, my Mom, my career. Now I think maybe it is too late.
She notices things, she asks him about himself all the time, she cares about how he is doing. I think I really am screwed because I think the healthiest thing for him is probably her.